Screenplay Development Notes

Title: Shoot'em Up
Submitted by: Jane Doe
Date: March 20, 2001
Type: Screenplay
Genre: Comedy
Development Executive: 10001
StudioNotes Registration Number: 1

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Log Line: When a small town implements a gun ban after a beloved member of the town's community is killed in an accidental shooting, the NRA- worried about the bad press- hires a marketing genius to overturn the ban.

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Characterization:

Due to the nature of the musical comedy genre, it's hard to depict realistic characters. Therefore, the fact that the script has such well-drawn characters- that are reality based- is quite a feat. To further strengthen the story, the following suggestions focus on giving even more meat to the already hearty characters in the script.

BETH

Let’s give Beth a stronger motivation to wage the anti-gun campaign. At present, Beth is smart, well respected and sought out by the town to solve problems and formulate opinions. When the town feels helpless after Sissy’s death, Beth proposes the gun ban. Sissy’s death provides a good impetus for the creation of the gun ban at the start of the story. However, as the story progresses and the town’s fear grows, Beth needs a stronger incentive to persist in ridding the town of all firearms. (pgs. 15-19)

• Consider that Beth has been personally affected by a tragedy involving a gun and that this personal experience has propelled her campaign. On this note...

Let’s link Beth’s romantic back story to the issue of gun control. At present, Beth is a woman who has been hurt in a previous relationship and has mended her broken heart by avoiding romance and focusing on her job. (pg. 17) While the betrayal of a lover can create a lack of trust in the opposite sex, it is not a strong motivation to become the town spinster. Let’s create greater rationale for Beth’s long hiatus from dating.

• Consider having Beth’s relationship with Bill end not in betrayal, but rather in death. Perhaps Bill was not a philanderer, but instead was killed in a shooting accident. If Beth lost the love of her life in an unexpected accident, she will have greater reason to avoid getting involved with another man for fear that he, too, could be taken without a moment’s notice. We can also add an extra degree of irony to Jack’s demise if Bill also died from a fatal gun wound.

Beth’s “Achilles’ heel”. If Beth is depicted as the voice of reason and wisdom in Millstone, we need to clarify why the town begins to reject her opinions as the story progresses. (pg. 39) Can we reveal something about Beth that makes her vulnerable to the town’s criticism? As mentioned earlier, the clue to Beth’s “Achilles' heel” might be found in her past. If Beth has lost a lover in a shooting accident, we can understand the town dismissing her opinion for fear that she is biased. Let’s see Beth’s personal experience become an obstacle to winning the anti-gun campaign.

JACK

Let’s flesh out Jack’s character and make his character evolution more central to the story. We like Jack’s ethical ambiguity at the start of the story and we would like to further define how and why he shifts on the moral spectrum.(pg.4) We also need to understand distinctly why he becomes a proponent of the gun ban by the end of the story. Let’s see how the repercussions of Jack’s actions gravely affect the small town of Millstone and lead Jack to question his job and the life he leads.

• As currently written, the concocted robbery of the town grocer is the primary motivation behind the town’s decision to change their outlook on the gun ban.(p.53) Consider that it is Jack’s idea to hire the gangsters that rob and threaten the town grocer. Perhaps the grocer dies as a result of an overdose of drugs that were prescribed to help the grocer cope with the trauma of the experience. If Jack feels personally accountable for the death of an innocent man, and accountable for the chaos that the death creates, Jack will have a more powerful incentive to abandon his career and help Beth pass the gun ban.

PETE

Let’s inject Pete’s character into the story more. Pete is a great threat to the town and our heroes. However, we spend little time with Pete and we do not get a clear understanding of how his psychotic tendencies grow as the gun ban campaign progresses. We also need to clarify why Pete blames Beth the most. (p.43) We would like to further explore how truly ominous Pete’s presence becomes and instill fear into the audience as we enter the 3rd act.

• Let’s consider that Pete at first seeks out Beth’s help to generate more support in honoring Sissy’s memory. (pg. 10) Perhaps Beth is too consumed with the gun ban campaign and warding off Jack to notice Pete’s strange behavior. As the town quickly forgets Sissy’s death and shifts its focus to the gun ban controversy, we should see Pete’s sanity driven completely over the edge. Thus, when Pete finally loses it, we will have a greater understanding of why Beth bears the brunt of his animosity.
  
  
• Perhaps Pete could also be secretly terrorizing the town with the blame being attributed to the gang-bangers.

Dialogue:

Given that a lot of the dialogue is incorporated into musical numbers and songs, it is both fun and clever. The dialogue is a great strength of the script. Especially clever is the use of rhyme and the play on words throughout the story.

However, at times the dialogue pushes the hokey envelope. While it's entertaining, some of the versus on pages 45-47 detract from the serious messages that they are intending to relay. Some other passages that may be worth rethinking are as follows:

p. 5 "Hold off....."

p. 18 "Beth, ...."

p. 56 "Work with me...."

p. 83 " It's my way...."

p. 84 "Choose or lose...."

p.109 "Saddle me..."

Structure:

The structure is unique and original. Where many scripts that do not follow proper story structure fall short, this script thrives. The complications are both subtle and consistent and keep us entertained and engaged from beginning to end. To further enhance the story's unique appeal, let's consider rethinking the 3rd act and the evolution of the relationship between our main characters.

BETH & JACK'S RELATIONSHIP

We love that a relationship develops between Beth and Jack. However, presently Beth and Jack fall too quickly and easily in love. We need to make their relationship more complicated.

• Postpone Jack’s victory in winning Beth’s affections. If we can hold off Beth’s acceptance of Jack’s advances until the end of the 2nd act we can spend more time seeing the impact that Beth has on Jack’s life. We will also more readily believe that his intentions in courting Beth have changed. Additionally, we would like to further clarify how hard it is for Beth to give her heart away. Thus, when Beth finds out who Jack really is, it will have a greater impact.
  
  
• Beth should uncover Jack’s true identity. When Jack develops feelings for Beth, he takes the initiative to tell her the truth about who he really is and why he came to Millstone- this feels too easy. (p.82) Let’s see Beth discover Jack’s ruse. Perhaps Beth finds a piece of evidence that links Jack to the grocery store robbery and/or something that proves he is not a traveling salesman.

3RD ACT CLIMAX

Let’s rethink the third act and create a grander finale. Presently, the climax of the story is not as dramatic as it could be. The conflict within the story comes to a head at the town’s 4th of July party when Pete opens fire on the town and takes Beth hostage. While we like the chaos and craziness of the scene, let’s consider postponing Pete’s shoot-out until the second town vote on the gun ban in the very last scene of the movie. (pgs. 92-119)

• Consider that Pete opens fire in the town hall right before the vote takes place. Let’s see the irony of a shoot- out in the midst of the gun ban vote. Perhaps Jack also has reason to believe that Beth’s life is in danger and that she is a target of Pete’s aggression. As Pete attempts to assassinate Beth, let’s see Jack throw himself in front of the bullet meant for Beth. Jack should redeem himself to Beth at the cost of his life. And as the townsfolk attempt to recover from the horrific scene, they should quickly pass a unanimous vote vetoing the ban.

By delaying the shoot out until the last sequence of the movie, the social statement of gun control will be more profound and the sequence will create more opportunity for irony, absurdity and humor.

Story Execution:

Both original and provocative, SHOOT'EM UP has the potential to enlighten as well as entertain. The characters and situations are extraordinarily clever. Setting the story within the genre of musical comedy was also incredibly ambitious. Therefore, the fact that the script is presently as strong as it is, is quite an accomplishment. The following notes are suggestions to further clarify the heart of the conflict and the tone.

JACK'S PLAN

Clarify Jack’s objective for wooing Beth. As written, Jack’s mission is to stop the gun ban in Millstone, and the barrier to that mission is Beth. (p.12) Considering that Beth is a spinster, it makes sense that Jack would attempt to seduce Beth to distract her from her campaign. However, we never sense that Jack is flirting with Beth to manipulate her or impede her anti-gun crusade. Instead it appears that Jack’s flirtation with Beth is based purely on attraction. (p.38) Let’s define Jack’s plan and rationale in seducing Beth, so we can see how his plan begins to fall apart as he falls for Beth.

TONE

Let’s fine tune the campy tone and make sure that all the songs and silliness within the story move the plot forward and stem from the motivations of the characters. The most challenging element of a satirical piece is to maintain the campy sensibility without undermining the dramatic theme. We must continue to care about the characters even while we poke fun at their plight.

• For instance, the Tupperware scene (pg. 67) has us in stitches and also manages to further the story. In contrast, the duet between Jack and Beth (pg. 58) feels a bit too silly and takes the audience out of the story by failing to suspend our disbelief.

Camp is a wonderful style in which to explore the hot button issue of gun control, but we must remember that camp merely for camp’s sake may lose an audience.

Marketability:

Due to the subject and risky genre of this script, there may be a limited market. However, the project is a great vehicle for cable or the independent community where unique, thought-provoking stories are nurtured and sought after. In addition, this piece can also be used as a strong sample of the writer's abilities to conquer tough subjects in a fun and original way.

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Sample #1  
Sample #2  The following set of notes is based on a thriller.

Screenplay Development Notes

Title: On the Lam
Submitted by: John Doe
Date: March 20, 2001
Type: Screenplay
Genre: Mystery / Thriller
Development Executive: 10001
StudioNotes Registration Number: 2

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Log Line: After being framed for a crime while his wife is held hostage, a man must take the law into his own hands to free his wife and clear his name.

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Characterization:

ON THE LAM is a clever and engaging thrill ride. The seemingly simple story is remarkable because it is rich with themes involving man's ability to be both physically and mentally strong. The story's strength lies in its multi-dimensional characters and their relationships. Every plot point hinges on these unique characters and the choices they make. For this reason, in the next pass we need to focus on further fleshing out these characters and making them more complex.

SAM

We need to clarify that Sam is our protagonist. At present, we spend as much time with our villains as we do with Sam. By fleshing out Sam's character and making his journey the focus of the story, the audience will be more invested in Sam and will root for him to clear his name and uncover the motivation behind Karen's betrayal.

Sam needs to be more proactive and strong. In the current draft, Sam is a nice guy who is easily duped. While likeable, his character needs to have more of a backbone. Perhaps Sam has a sordid past and was once in a world that could have led him down a corrupt path.

• Consider that Sam has a tough, resilient interior, and has made a conscious decision to lead a "legitimate" good life. Maybe only when faced with the loss of his "life" does Sam resort to hardened behavior. As Sam embarks on his quest to discover the truth behind Karen's betrayal, we should see Sam struggle to control his emotions and see his evolution from civilian to vigilante.

Let's make Sam a thinking man; a smart guy in a very bad situation. Considering that Sam is in law school he should be acutely aware of the gravity of his situation. (pg.3) We should see Sam putting together all the implications regarding his involvement with the robbery and he should constantly be aware of further indicting himself. Sam should play a more active role in his own investigation. (pg. 34, 39, 42)

• Perhaps Sam aborts an attempt to turn himself in when he finds the police are out to set him up. At this point, it might be fun to see Sam use his knowledge of the law to escape. (pg. 17)

Let's clarify Sam's motivation and jeopardy. As the story now stands, once Sam learns of Karen's betrayal, we don't know why Sam continues to try to find his wife. Does he simply want to confront her? We need a reason for him not to cut his losses after he discovers he's been double-crossed. (pg. 21)

• Consider that Sam's decision to lead a legitimate life was grounded in his love for Karen. Perhaps when they met she was abused both physically and emotionally. Could we learn that Sam has been the only person who has supported and cared about Karen? Thus, even after he learns of her betrayal, he should sense she is in danger and feel it is his duty to save her- that he is the only person who has never let her down.
  
  
• Additionally, as suggested earlier, if we see Sam's attempt to turn himself in go awry, he will be left with two alternatives: A.) go into hiding or B.) retrieve the money and clear his name. We should see Sam conflicted over these two alternatives and root for him as he decides not to take the easy way out.

SAM AND FRANK

Let's see Sam and Frank switch places on the moral spectrum. The key to rendering Frank and Sam more satisfying characters is to watch them change. It would be fun to watch Sam become more ruthless and Frank more caring as the story draws to a close.

KAREN

Let's clearly paint Karen as the ultimate villain. While Karen is already portrayed as the greatest betrayer in the story, let's further emphasize how devious she really is. Perhaps, we can plant seeds of Karen's true nature throughout the story. Let's consider that Karen says things to Al, Falcone - even to Frank- to make each man suspect of one another. While we want these seeds to be planted, they should be subtle, so that not until the end of the movie do we realize that Karen was the root of all evil and conflict.

We need to understand why Karen betrays Sam. As the current draft stands, the motivation behind Karen's betrayal is never explained. (pg. 21- 24) Nor do we understand why Sam continues to track down Karen once he learns he has been betrayed. To answer these questions we need to know the foundation upon which Karen and Sam's relationship has been built, and how Frank came into their lives.

Consider that Karen, Frank and Sam all grew up on the "wrong side of the tracks". Their collective world consisted of making money by doing illegal things (i.e. dealing drugs, robbery, gambling, scamming). In this world, success equated illicit activities. Consider that Sam and Frank are products of the same environment but chose different paths with their lives. Sam took the path less traveled and decided to work his way through school instead of relying on scams. Perhaps Karen saw Sam as her savior, a person who could take her away from the world of corruption and abuse. However, the years have been hard and over the course of time, Karen realized that having money was more important than leading a legitimate life. Perhaps when Karen met Frank she was seduced back into the world she knew best and therefore, Karen betrayed Sam to satisfy her innate material desires.

THE GANGSTERS

Frank's gang is extremely cliché. If Frank is as smart as he is, it doesn't make sense for him to hang out with so many "loose cannons". We need to make our gang a lot smarter ala the gang in HEAT. This will help add to the world we want to create where everyone is suspect and no one should be trusted.

Dialogue:

Overall, the dialogue hits the action, characters and themes on the mark. In fact, the best aspect of the script is the great dialogue. The voices of each character are distinct and sound authentic. The scene on pgs. 34-38 is especially well done considering how pivotal the scene is to the story and how many characters are interacting.

Structure:

The structure is quite tight. For such a complex story, it reads extremely well. Because the story revolves around one man's pursuit of justice, it could be hard to sustain interest in his plight for the entire film. However, the script does a great job of consistently adding layers to Sam's journey and keeping the audience interested and involved. At first Sam's plight is to save his wife- but when he uncovers that she set him up, it becomes a plight to save himself. The journey makes Sam examine the man he is and allows him to understand how he could be so invested in a woman that destroyed his life.

With each twist and turn, the story reveals itself to be more complex. For that reason, there is little to be done in this area of structure. The following notes are suggestions to merely help make the script even more lean and mean.

TIME FRAME

The time frame for the movie feels too slow. We need to propel the sense of urgency in the story. Let's consider that our movie takes place within hours versus days. We need to realistically figure out how long it would take to travel from the start of Sam's journey to the final destination. If we have a manhunt at the heels of our characters they would not have the time to stop and rest in a hotel.

KAREN'S BETRAYAL

Let's postpone Karen's betrayal. (pg. 21) Most importantly, the beat in which we learn of Karen's betrayal should come much later in the script and be far better set up. We need to believe that Sam is really desperate to find Karen, fearing she has been abducted by Frank and his men. Ala BREAKDOWN, we need the moment with Sam that we have with Kurt Russell when he is looking for his wife after she disappears. This allows us to spend time with Sam and become deeper invested in his frantic search to find his wife. By drawing out Sam's search for Karen, it creates more tension and suspense in the story, allows us to more closely follow Sam (get into his mind psychologically and his character emotionally), and makes the twist of Karen's betrayal much more powerful for Sam and the audience. The following are some specific notes that could be addressed to make this set-up work better and be more of an effective twist in this thriller.

• Karen's interrogation. When Karen tells the police that Sam was forced into the robbery she should go a bit more into detail. (p.10) At this point, we don't know Sam well enough to know whether or not he did have a gambling problem, so we won't really know if she's lying. However, if she gives more information bout Sam's abduction we will believe that he probably did have outstanding debt. This information not only adds depth to the story, but also allows us to hold out on revealing her true motivations.
  
  
• Karen's flight. Wouldn't it be more interesting if Sam arrived home to find Karen gone?(p.13) Especially if we, the audience, don't know what has happened to her. Later, we could learn that she ran off to meet Frank, but Sam can still be in agony not knowing what has happened to her. This will keep the tension running high and help the mystery last a bit longer.
  
  
• Frank & Karen's rendezvous. Let's make it appear that Karen has been abducted by Frank. (p.14) If Karen and Frank are fighting and she struggles with him, it could appear that she is being held against her will, especially if we have Sam follow Vargas to Frank's hideout. At this point, it would be fun for there to be a moment where Karen is literally caught in the middle of Frank and Sam- and when she runs to Frank, both Sam and the audience will realize that Sam has been betrayed.(p.21)

THE EVIDENCE AGAINST SAM

Let's define the evidence and motivation that brings the authorities to conclude that Sam is part of the crime. Presently, the cops are led to believe that Sam was motivated to commit this crime when early on Karen suggests that he had bad gambling habits.(p.10) This feels too easy.

• Perhaps we discover that Sam is in debt because he was over-extended on his school tuition and was turned down by the bank, his employer, when applying for a loan. With nowhere to turn, Sam sought out a loan shark (a friend from his youth) who rubs elbows with notorious felons. When the cops discover this information, they draw the conclusion that Sam was probably having problems paying the loan shark and desperate to do so to avoid being hurt. Therefore, they assume he robbed his own bank out of anger.

THE INVESTIGATION

The police chase and investigation feels too small. Two police officers are killed. We need to address their deaths and create a larger manhunt for Sam, Karen and Frank. As suggested earlier, the manhunt will be more exciting if Sam takes a greater part in it, and if Sam's motives for being a part of the crime are more apparent in the eyes of the authorities.

Story Execution:

Again, this script is at it's final stages of development. The structure works because the characters work. Every complication and twist within the story makes sense as the characters slowly reveal the different facets of their personalities. The set-up and betrayal work because both are rooted in the characters and make sense once we uncover who our characters truly are.

Additionally, due to the complex nature of the characters, we are able to suspend our disbelief that Sam would be able to allude the authorities and simultaneously track down Frank and Karen.

As is, it's a great writing sample. With a little fine tuning, it will be a great script. The following are ideas that may help fine tune the story.

PLOT

We need to simplify and streamline the story. While the story is very clever, it could be simplified to make it much more believable and suspenseful. Perhaps we could cut the character of Carol who feels extraneous to the story. The more people involved in the crime, the riskier the crime becomes. Considering that Frank is a smart guy, it doesn't make sense that he would bring too many people into his heist.

We need to specify Frank's plan. Frank comes off as a smart character, and therefore would have some kind of plan. We should know earlier where he and Karen are headed and what their plan is. Currently, they seem to be meandering about without any real destination until the end of the second act. (p.83) Also, they have a million dollars worth of stolen money, yet nobody seems to be worried. They have no idea what is going on with Sam, if he's been captured, given the police information, etc. Karen and Frank should be behaving as if they are on the run and should assume that the police are probably looking for Karen.

LOCATION

Let's open up our story and set it in a more exciting locale. Explore the idea of changing the location from Los Angeles to Miami. In order for this project to really stand out it should feel in the vein of the urban films of the 70's such as Friedkins' THE FRENCH CONNECTION or Hill's THE WARRIORS, in which the urban locale was itself a thriving character essential not only to the story, but also to the film. Along with a diverse population, Miami and the surrounding areas also offer many great set pieces- the Everglades, the Keys, the water and Cuba- to intensify the action and enhance the story. Also, Miami is an urban environment that still somewhat has the feeling of the "wild west" in that corruption and violence are rampant. The city is always being claimed by different groups so it doesn't really have a sole identity.

Marketability:

Considering that the story is contained in its action, this project could be made for a modest budget. Coupled with the story's interesting set-up and rich characters, this project could be very marketable. It will also be intriguing to actors and distributors.